I enjoy attention and like being with someone, but if I had to be truly honest, I don’t want to be in a relationship. Well, I do and I don’t if that makes sense. Yes, it’s great having security and knowing that you can phone someone up to chat to, meet up to have fun or get support when you need help. It’s awful when you’re single and you see all the (seemingly) smug couples who are holding hand and doing PDA’s (public display of affection) right in your face. I don’t want to see couples acting all kissy or yucky in front of me, save that for your private life! It’s annoying , but a part of me is more annoyed because I’m jealous and wish I had the same.
But at the same time, I can’t commit myself fully. Not now and not ever in the past, if I’m honest. Exes have pointed out that they feel I keep a barrier up or that I’m hard to get to truly know. It’s very difficult to give yourself fully to another being I find. It makes you feel very vulnerable with all your flaws, idiosyncrasies and anxieties out there for show.
I’m in a weird situation where I’ve gone on 4 / 5 dates with a guy now, but I’m planning on moving to a different continent (Asia) in August. How can I start something up now when I know I may have problems later on. Either I get attached and have a quandary on what to do (although I know I can’t stand being in London, there’s nothing really here for me apart from family and I have itchy feet). Or the other person may get attached to me and I end up hurting them. Neither option is good, but it’s hard to deny that I do like making a connection and enjoy dating someone. I am only human.