I’ve been quiet for some time, just lying a bit low. I’ve been busy, but I also do tend to get more introvert when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
It’s getting closer and closer to the time when I go to Japan. I had a dream last week that I was on the edge of a precipice and something behind me was pushing me to the edge. I was worried and thinking ‘am I going to sink or swim?’
I know I do worry about it, but it’s a great opportunity that I’ve been wishing for some years now.
Dating with H has been fun, but a bit confusing. We get along and it’s nice that we can connect and share. We have similar interests and I do like him, but I’m still assessing how much I like him. It’s different from M, whom I dated in January. That was more visceral and intense. Looking back though, I realise I was acting impulsively and was seeing things that weren’t there. I was hoping for a proper relationship and he wasn’t. I was way too into him and he didn’t feel the same.
H is different. He’s kind, he listens and is not selfish. He’s not great at keeping up with communication, but I know he’s trying. It’s been 7 weeks now since we started dating and yet the relationship is not defined. I had to ask him last week if he was seeing anyone else and he said that he had two dates after our first date, but those ended by choice. I get the impression he’s really into me, more than I am into him.
I want security. I want to feel safe and get rid of this anxiety of whether we’re an item or not. I don’t even know he if still uses the dating website were we met from or not.
And yet, I don’t know if I want to be with him that way. I like him, but I’m not crazily into him. I enjoy our time together, but it’s not like I get a ‘crazy on fire’ feeling that I feel I should.
It’s confusing for me because I want to have ‘the talk’ and be in a proper relationship, but I’m still working out how much I like him. In some ways I feel that I cannot truly be myself when whatever we have is not secure.
Why share myself when he might just turn around and leave? What’s protecting me from getting hurt?