I love my family a lot. They are a kind, supportive and odd bunch. When I list the things that I am grateful for, family is always up there. I’m lucky I have parents who are supportive of what I do, no matter what that is. I have brothers that care (one of whom doesn’t always show it, but I know he does care). If something happened, I know without doubt my family would come to help me in whatever way possible. So, why is it that sometimes they irritate me so much?
It was a bank holiday last weekend, so I spent three days at my parents because I like to go visit them often (especially since they are getting on a bit) and I knew my mum was a bit down as she’s readjusting to being retired.
I had such great hopes that I would go visit them, we’d have a great time and I would have a nice relax after a busy time at work. It was all good Friday night, but on Saturday, I just found myself irritated. What started out as a headache prolonged into a state where everything my mum did or said was irritating. My mum has this habit that when she notices I’m in a mood, she tries more to coax me out of it, but it just makes things worse. I’m an introvert. If I go quite, don’t keep on asking me questions or making random comments about inane things. I would appreciate the silence to just gather my strength again.
I knew I was bothering my mum by being irked, but I could not stop it and turn my mood around. This in turn made her mood worsens and my parents ended up having an argument that night, which happened to be their 41st anniversary. On Sunday too, I was getting more and more weary of my mum and her constant natter as they day went on.
I normally get along so well with my mum, so I find it hard to comprehend that when I go back to my parents, I sometimes have these dips where my mood quickly darkens. I sometimes think it’s because when I’m back at my parents, I’m sometimes treated like the child that my parents know and not the adult I am now.
On Sunday, I got a text from a friend of mine whose dad has been ill. She’s the type of friend who doesn’t disclose personal things much, so I don’t push her for more information and just let her tell me things when she wants to. Her dad was being treated for cancer for some time now and she moved back to her parents about 6 months ago. She mentioned in her text that her dad’s cancer spread and that he passed away peacefully at home and that his funeral was last week. I feel bad for her because it must have been such a shock. It’s one of my fears, my main fear to be honest, that my parents will die. I know that they will one day, as we all will, but it scares me so much to lose them. I love them so much. My dad had cancer about 6 years ago, and thankfully, the chemotherapy and radiotherapy cured his cancer first time round.
I received my friend’s text hours before I had to leave my parents. Even when I was conscious of how I wanted to enjoy my parents’ company and not be affected by the slightly aggravating things they do, I found it hard. In some weird way, I find it much easier to love and appreciate them at a distance – we talk often over the phone, keep in touch with what each other is doing and how we are feeling. I had previously thought that I could not leave the UK because I didn’t want to be too far from them and this is still very true, but maybe I can love them as much while I’m travelling?
I just checked my phone as I was writing this and I got a message from my mum, saying simply ‘I love you x’.