New beginnings and being vulnerable

It’s a very slow day at work, so I’ve been clearing out my dropbox by deleting unwanted documents and such. I came across something I wrote in early April in the early days when I started seeing H. I’ve included it all below.

    ‘I have a book on love where you think of a question or person and open up randomly to a page that gives you insights. It sounds silly, but it’s surprisingly good I find. Today I saw the book as I was getting ready for work and thought of the guy I recently started seeing. The topic that came up was ‘birth’. It was about birth in the literal sense and birth as the start in something new, such as a relationship. It mentioned that after birth is the period of infancy, which is characterised by vulnerability and the need of nurturing and protection.
    This guy is currently on holiday in Spain. I don’t like to admit this, but I’ve missed him. I don’t like being vulnerable and caring about people who may not feel the same way back. He acts like he cares, but he’s not great with constant communication. But what he does say, he actually delivers on, so that’s promising. I messaged him to tell him I miss him, but have received no reply so far. The raw feeling of vulnerability is not nice.
    I don’t know what I want from him. I would like to feel more secure and want the mention of exclusivity, but then I’m going to Japan in August. It’s not fair of me to want both and yet I do’

I like looking back on things I’ve written in the past. It’s satisfying, interesting and sometimes heart wrenching when you look back on old diary entries. Even if years has passed, certain moments and memories can still be powerful.

This was written nearly two months ago and not much has changed with regards to me and H. I had to bring up the topic of whether he was seeing anyone else (no he wasn’t but he did have a few dates after we first met, but those were stopped) and I asked whether he was still on OKCupid, which is where we met (he said he still had the application, but he asked if I wanted him to delete it – I told it’s up to him and he got the impression that I wanted him to not use OKC and so deleted the app).

I like H, but I still feel like I’m in no man’s land – everything is uncertain, undefined and confusing.

– Am I dating someone? Yes.

– Am in a relationship? Er, no, I’m not in a relationship to be honest. I’m not anyone’s girlfriend and don’t have a boyfriend.

– Am I single? Technically, yes I am.

– Can I date other people? No, I would feel it’s wrong and don’t want to either.

I’m an anxious type, so love to have certainty and know where I stand. I have mentioned this to him. I also know that I’m going away in August for a year and don’t feel that I would be good in doing a long distance type of thing. Me and H get along, but what we have is definitely in no way strong enough to last that long and that many miles away.

What to do, what to do?


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